Don't Not if You Do Not Mean it
by ThoughtsOutsideTheBox0823
Summary: Do not do things, not when your love for me surpasses your love for someone.


The chimes of the olden clock tower strikes at six again, just like it usually does everyday since I was born and even back then when my twin and I have not existed yet. Its chime has this specific charm to it that draws my attention today, just like how it rang that specific season 7 or 10 years ago. Yet back then it was not all as significant, the same as it was not too immensely memorable today but I was dumbfoundedly captivated and my mind drifted off to thoughts of Hikaru.

The vague audacity of his laugh enticed me but not enough to drown myself when all he was chuckling about was a subject I have definitely not come to terms with within me. For a fact that Hikaru was willing to let someone enter our almost locked up world, I was almost convinced that arguments between him and I might—would happen. For the very first time since our mind was awoken to everything, his concept of our beings trapped in one world somehow drifted off with the original concept, the one that I stuck to till this day. And it frightens me how maybe sooner or later, I might not be his priority anymore but his happiness will still come as a necessity(to me) to satisfy first and foremostly.

I scrunched my brows involuntarily with my thoughts afloat and focus unattended when Hikaru bounded silently by my side, phone call ended with his cell nowhere near my sight. His conversation with Haruhi have ended I presumed, when he hugged from behind, the warmth of his arms extending and spreading throughout my body. I leaned into his touch, just as he pressed his chest onto my back like the loving gesture he always does and kissed my temple slowly, lingering and lovingly so that when he parted, my eyes came to find his in query.

"Tell me what's wrong."

It surprised me to know that he actually felt the odd mood I was giving out but I did not let my face show any traces of perplexed reaction, opting with a small forced smile that could be easily be read by Hikaru.

Purposful, it was for him to notice. I actually was not aware of the thought itself but maybe a part of me begged for him to actually read my mind like we usually do and let it answer for everything else. For the first time, I actually wished so bad that I would not have to speak it out.

"Nothing, Hika-chan. Just tired, I guess?" I replied with a breathy voice. The sparkles in his eyes disappeared, hug loosened, and lips pressed firmly in a thin line and my heart started to thud faster than before.

"You never told me that lie before, and there's a first time to everything Kao, but tell me. What's up?" Hikaru patiently answered, eyes fluttering close for a moment and opening them to pierce his gaze on my own. I tried not to loose, not to flick my gaze elsewhere or he would know but my fear got ahead and I looked away, stared at something else instead of Hikaru's pleading eyes that I always loved. Out of my peripheral vision was a shocked and hurt expression painted all over his features and it breaks me so that I was the one who have caused such but could I actually blame myself?

I am selfish and I am suffering alone, was this just a litte part of Hikaru's agony and would that be actually fair enough?

"Why, is this something that even I, who knows everything and little details about you, cannot know of?" he asked in disbelief but what conquered his tone most was the pain that prickled along his words, treading thoroughly to my ears like a decapritating nightmare and I felt my chest thud lightly with dull pain.

"It's very ugly and you would not like it." I stated justly, monotonously so that ticked him off and he actually brought my eyes up on his, my chin entrapped between his fingers that forced me to stare into his orbs.

He declared hurt, and so as I, but it confuses him so how he does not know of the other statement that lingers at the back of my mind. The feeling of not wanting to prolong this finally caught up to my senses and I broke down in silent tears, my face passive and lips steady like the tears were not actually rolling down my face.

His eyes said more sorrow, and so as I, but would his pain be actually heavier than mine to see me like this, and I to see him so happy like that with her? It was selfish, and I felt sick to feel this way. At the moment I tore myself apart would be point-breaking moment that I had completely detached myself from him, that every decision of his would no longer be mine to share nor the cold bedsheets would be ours to fill in and nights filled with unnecessary coldness.

That exact moment I threw myself away from him was the particular event that he pulled me closer than ever, arms wrapped around my thin waist and lips thinly pressed against mine. A vague feeling exploded inside of me, the delight floating amidst the fury of lies sweltering as my arms entangled slowly by his neck, hands strewn across those locks that I caress everynight.

Alarms went off ringing loudly inside my thoughts, screaming and murmuring, fleeting and lingering as if they were trying to tell me that no, do not be deceived and do not give in. What welled up in me, the courage to push him, manifested and I find my eyes snapped open, faintly and gently pushing the lips that I had been longing to own.

"Kao – why? Please, I beg you to tell me, I can't bear –"

"Hikaru, please don't do this. Do not kiss me like you mean it." I refuted, eyes glowering by my clammy hands and staring down ways. Hikaru felt inflicted, lips twitching and eyes softening to mere lonliness speaking and shoulders hunched.

"I never did nothing that I do not mean, especially when it regards you Kao." His voice told me, spoke to me with pure hurt evidently laced. His breathing was going short, shallow and narrowed, the rise and fall of his chest vivid and his shaky hands almost reaching mine was coming into view. My resolution to not tell him was slowly crumbling down, the mere fact that I have held this long would actually be considered a feat but I willed myself still not to tell yet anyway, not now when it could destroy everything.

Hikaru is my everything after all.

"Hika-chan, don't make me, please." I slowly backed away from his hand reaching out to mine.

"Whatever it is, I promise Kao, I really promise," he pleads, "I won't give a damn and I would not leave you."

Then inside me, I felt it strongly, loosely grasped to what snapped and I knew I failed to hold onto it when the other end fell, the dam finally broken. It was what all it took to break the walls that I tried to protect not too long ago.

"Then you don't even have the rights to kiss me like you love me Hikaru!" I bellowed, eyes downcasted and tears spilling as I bit my lips to refrain my shouts. "You don't have any rights to do it… not when your love for someone surpasses your love towards me." I whimpered, failing my voice and cracking by the end of my statement. My body strongly shook, hands clamped together in a tight grasp and eyes welling up with more tears that I never thought they were capable of. We never cried and if we ever did, the incident could be counted with not more than our fingers on our hands.

We rarely cried, often times together but more rarely than ever, I cried alone.

But what I was not aware that his heart bled and cried when I broke down and finally sought for letting him know of the chained down secret.

Strong arms embraced my shaking figure, my face buried by his shoulders that his clothes absorbed every tears that fell. Hands were splayed on my back and it slowly comes to grip the article of clothing that I wore in match with Hikaru's. My arms slowly raised to hit his chest, anything just to push him away from me, but his grip on my figure was stronger than my punches and attempts to push him away. In the end I gave up in silence, my arms encircling around his and clutching him closer than ever, silent sobs escaping my lips every now and then.

"Don't kiss me… If you have someone you love more than I." I murmured, voice cracking and arms trying to fall limp yet I fought the urge to remove them from the grip I have in fear of losing Hikaru to everything, to the world, to that person he loves more than I.

"I can never love someone that surpasses my love for you Kao." He whispered, lips and breath mingling millimeters away from my sensitive ears.

"You don't get it at all Hika…"

Softly and ever so gently, he pushed me at an arm's length, his hands clasped around my shoulders tightly and eyes staring intently at mine. It pleads, as much as it was desperate to convey the message that I longed to accept immediately but hesitations rose and I doubted.

Is it real?

"Yes I do and if you will, I can prove it."

Hot breaths mingled when his parted lips were only one move away from mine, eyes half lidded and shrouded with the purest form of need and desperation that I barely managed to contain my urgency, the cravings to actually just push my lips against his for the nth time.

"I tell you Kaoru," Hikaru murmured almost into my lips, voice octaves lower than usual that sent a pleasuring tingle against my spine. "I love no one more than you."

Then he sent my world into a sudden tilt, the form of love that I had been waiting for so long having been declared in a state that I would most undoubtly never forget.


End file.
